Power Ballads

 

I'm pleased to mention that I have managed to keep my biggest new years resolution.  I thought it best to announce this particular resolution after I'd given it a few months to see if it would stick, and it has.

 

I've become a pescetarian.  I'd like to say I'm a vegetarian, but that's not really true.  Adopting a friend's rule of 'no toenails' I came to discover that eating mostly fruit, vegetables and fish is actually quite pleasant and doesn't feel at all like self-deprevation.  By the way, this is the first time I'm reading the wikipedia article, and let's just say the author of this article doesn't appear to be as big a fan of the lifestyle choice as I am.  Again, now I'm getting why certain people are so incensed by my comments that I'm essentially a vegetarian (I eat fish like once a week).  Apparently I'm not.  Way to be inclusive, guys.

 

And don't get me wrong, I love meat.  I'm just not going to eat any more of it.  I guess I just thought about it to much.  On the pro side, I had "tastes great" and on the con side, I had "unsustainable farming methods and damage to the environment" and "cruel realities of factory farms" and "you have the blood pressure of a 72 year old man."

 

I'm also aware of the fact that fish farming is not the best example of sustainable harvesting methods and mercury isn't that good for you, but what are you going to do.  I'm focusing on harm reduction here, not making a political statement.  And if you can't live with contradictions, life's really unpleasant.

 

So there you go. 

 

Highlights:

  Blood pressure ... down to normal levels

  20 pounds of man-gut ... gone

  FAT-MAN pants ... no longer needed

  Assorted digestive issues ... minimized

 

Lowlights:

  Didn't tell my folks (or my inlaws)

  Discovered that many fake meats are quite palatable (trick is to not think of it like "this is gonna taste like turkey" ... but rather "I'm gonna put this in a sandwhich and see what it tastes like")

  Going to some restaurants

 

On the whole, the rapid weight loss (bye-bye food baby) has been the most pleasant side effect.  I also have a lot more energy (not dragging around the 20lb food baby has got to be part of that) and my skin (oddly) has been very clear.   I've also got a lot more money in my pocket because this has triggered a lot more eating at home instead of going out to fancy restaurants.

I always enjoy a good joke about Costco prices.

 

But who knew you could actually buy mayonaise in a 30lb container?  Let alone 'Heavy Duty' mayonaise?

 

Key points to remember:

1) Make faces in five seconds or less

2) Back and forth.  With the same face.  Forever.

3) Coach says I'm still on the team.

4) What's the girl's name, again?

5) You get what you pay for.

6) If you aren't waiting out front, the food isn't good.

7) Making a Mii is an exercise of self discovery.

 

I could write something funny, or I could just link to something funny.

 

I choose link.

In no particular order

 

1) A woman wearing what appeared to soft-walled ski boots.  Attempts to find a photo of such boots on the internet did not work out well.

2) Myself, dancing the tango with an older woman.

3) Kevin Nealon

4) A poster claiming to teach methods of "Ramming & Jamming."  This turns out to be a way to play poker.

5) The TSA videos in line at the airport.  In Vegas, you get the Blue Man Group, Carrot Top, Wayne Newton and Rita Rudner in mildly amusing skits that remind you not bring liquids onto the plane and put your shoes in the bin to get x-rayed.

6) Me not getting a single hand of blackjack

7) The heavily marketed phone number for 'Girls Delivered To Your Door,' which was 696-9696

8) A magic show in the elevator to my hotel room

9) A curious incident involving the rental car*

10) Booth dudes: the 2008 version of booth babes

 

 

*No comments until pending legal issues are worked out

Find beach houses, waterfront property, lake cabins and log cabins on ResortScape.com

Attention Bears:

 

Please come and visit any time.

 

-P

 

 

Click for larger image

 

 

Ok, guys.

 

Earlier this week, I sent you a nice letter.  Sorry if it got a little intense in the middle there, I don't know what I was thinking.

 

You have now deprived me of so much sleep that I can no longer visualize creative ways to remove your little squawk boxes, let alone actually execute on any of these plans.

 

Thus, I offer myself to you.  I will do your bidding.

 

What would you like me to do? 

 

Can I grab some chicken bones from the neighbor's yard? 

 

Let me know,

 

Peter

Dear Crows:

 

About a week ago, you decided to move into the neighbor's tree.  I'm cool with birds, so welcome.

 

But here's the deal: SHUT UP.  You wake up at 3am (maybe you don't go to sleep) and make the most unbirdlike squawking noises for hours and hours.  What are you squawking at?  I mean, aside from my windows?

 

You need to know something about me.  First of all, I'm a bit of a pacificist.  For example ... when I find a nasty, hairy spider in my bedroom, I put it in a glass jar and release it into the back yard, rather than squishing it.  I even open up the screens so flies can fly out of the house if I find them bouncing against the screen, trying to get out.  Secondly, I'm cool with nature.  You may have noticed I even put a pond in the front yard to allow birds to take baths and fish to swim around.  I have noticed that instead of bathing in my pond, though, you like to crap in it or drop chicken bones into it.  Did you know that fish don't like rotten chicken?  Yeah, it's bad for the water.

 

But here's the deal.  Even though I don't like hurting living things, I want to kill you.  All of you.  I want to shoot your little crow faces.  If I could break your necks, I would.  If I could make a tiny bow and arrow and shoot you right in the throat, I would.  If I could release a cloud of poison gas into the tree where you squawk at me, I would.

 

So please, stop squawking.  Whatever you're squawking at is obviously not responding to your endless agitated squawks, so why don't you try out something else?  For example: you could STOP SQUAWKING.

 

Well, I've got to get back to trying to deal with getting by on three hours of sleep, so I can't write forever.   Please think about what the points I've made and circle back with me with some proposals about the ways you might keep your stupid bird noise machine quiet.

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Peter

On Friday, we took on the art museums.  We went to Musee d' Orrsy, which is a converted rail station, to see the classics.  Then we went to the Louvre (outside only ... line was huge).  Then we went to Pompidou, which is full of modern art.   There we saw a number of impressive temporary exhibits, including a Gorky exhibit, an hommage to Samuel Beckett, and an installation called 'Air of Paris,' which is collection of modern art whose focus drifts around Paris and the 30th anniversary of the Pompidou.  The building is cool ... it's got all the escalators and HVAC systems on the outside of the building.  It was also air conditioned, which was a welcome respite from the weather.  Did I mention that it was insanely hot in Paris?  About halfway through our trip there we decided to go to the roof-top cafe for some espresso and lo and behold, we saw some stormy clouds coming in.  I actually managed to get a photo of some lightning!  It became quite breezy and then ... the deluge.  It rained like a tropical monsoon for about two hours, finally bringing the humidity and ambient temperature down to something a little more comfortable.  We waited out the storm by touring the permanent installation, seeing works from Picasso, Renoir, Matisse, Monet, Manet, Degas and a bunch of other works I recognized but can not remember the names of.  There was even an exhibit of inflatable furniture.  After the rain, we went to a fancy tea joint and enjoyed mayonaisse sandwhiches and some white port.  Also, macaroons.  After that, we went back to the apartment, had some sherry, and I packed up for the flight home.